Twinkle Eyes

I don’t mean to sound like a brat, but I’m desperate need of a therapy session. Blasting off happy music, so I can at least be in my own world.

She hit strike three today. God your hormones. And I’m writing now because if she opens her mouth one more time, I might just explode.

She doesn’t have a problem. She has been showered with so much attention, whether she wanted it or not. I, on the other hand, had to work for it, and even then, I’m still not satisfied.

For rehearsing and working on a great show, I get positive attention for at most 3 hours. For screwing up, I get negative attention for less than 10 minutes. For getting good grades for a whole semester, I get positive attention for one minute.

He resolved to rebellious acts for attention. He got it after some time, but eventually, the attention goes back to her. They go back to him for a good laugh, because he’s good at that and he enjoys it. Plus he talks about his ridiculous beliefs in life. Though he has made an effort to bridge the gap, he has grown cynical. Perhaps I should too, because it’s for the best.

I’m fragile. I’m admitting it because it makes me feel human.

I crave the approval of others through my achievements. I’d rather lose sleep and skip meals to deliver quality work. Since I was 12, all I’ve ever wanted was to be perfect, and I couldn’t tolerate failure. I had to keep up the excellent grades, and perform beautifully; only then will I be showered with attention. I wonder why those two never felt that they needed to reach great heights to be accepted.

I grew up independent and responsible; it hit me that I couldn’t rely on anyone, and it tired me out knowing that others can rely on me. With a rebel that can’t be trusted and a little one who looks up to me, what choice do I have? I’m always stuck in the middle and I can’t get out.

I’ve noticed recently that at this point in my life, I just want to be alone. I don’t want people butting into my business. I want to do what I want when I want. You say I’m wasting time, but what do you know about anything?

Perhaps I really am smart. Perhaps I’m really talented. Perhaps I’m really skilled. But I don’t feel appreciated by the people around me. Insecure. I can’t help it. It’s ingrained in my system and it’s their fault I’m this way.

You think you know everything. You think you know me, when you know nothing. And I know that you know nothing because lately, I’ve been getting to know myself. Middle child Syndrome has been true about me then, and it’s still very true now. Now that I think about it, whenever I’m upset, I’ve never heard anyone from this place ask me if anything was wrong. I hide when I have to cry, or when I’m angry or simply upset.

You only look at what you want to see. Unfortunately, you see very little, barely anything at all.

A few months earlier, I had a dream wherein I found myself tinkering with an iPad, lying on our couch. It was running out of battery and I had no idea how to charge it….

Today, my family did our usual Sunday routine: heard mass at SM Magamall, frolicked around for two hours, had lunch and did our grocery shopping, only when I finished loading the back of our car with our groceries, I climbed to my seat to find a big white paper bag from the power Mac center.

My dad goes, “graduation gift… And birthday gift…”

I open the bag, and lo, and behold, my dad got me an iPad. :D

I don’t know what I need an iPad for, but I’m really happy to have one.

I typed this entry using my iPad, which I will now call Eponine. And the paper bag says, “best gift ever! LOL!

True friendship will last the test of time.

Today I came from a party that a friend of mine hosted. It literally made me want to plan my own party. LOL!

Anyhoo, after meeting a few new people, the party died down and a few heart to hearts and stories were exchanged. It was amazing to get a glimpse on the real characters of the people I’ve surrounded myself with in the last few years.

It’s really crazy; it makes you more critical of the people you spend time with, and at the same time, it makes you realize who your real friends are. Real friends will always stand the test of time, and I’m very thankful for the select few that have stood by me, through thick and thin. Now I know who my real friends are.

I think I may really have the power to predict the future… or just really strong women’s intuition.

Especially in oral exams.. because for some reason, the thesis statement that I don’t like (meaning the one that I’m not really confident in explaining) is the thesis statement that I spend a lot of time studying (at least consciously).

And come the oral exams, I pick that particular thesis statement.
It has happnened three times.